Is it just me?

I am not a very large person. I am 5″2, weighing in at 100plenty. I hate small public bathroom stalls. You know the kind I speak of, the ones where you have to stradle the toilet just to close the door. Some brainy engineer in the name of saving space decided that .75 of an inch was enough to clear the toilet bowl when closing the door. nuh-uh. How do larger people do this? Now follow along if you will. I step up to the open door, I step in, I hit my knees on the toilet, I step to my left and now I am wedged between the bowl and the door. I lean back, the door doesn’t budge. I try to take a step back there is no where to go. I step up onto the toilet seat with one foot, facing the door and slam the door shut, it swings back with vengence I recognize and it hits me in the head. CRAP! I start to loose my balance and know I will end up in the drink if I don’t take drastic measures. In spite of my urgent need, I ease my foot to the floor steadying myself on the door that I am now behind. Thank you Oprah, I now have an A-hah moment, I may now shut the door…SHIT, there is no lock. I need to do my business, and NOW! Ok, I can make this work. I will hold the door shut with my short little legs as I sit, but in my effort to close the door, I hadn’t noticed until now there aren’t any placemats. PEOPLE…all I want to do is Pee, is that too much to ask? This isn’t a pretty picture but I ease my under-roos down, stradle AGAIN and hold the door shut with my freakin head. There is minimal splash which is annoying in it’s own right and even too icky to be blog worthy, I continue. Did I mention there is no toilet paper and not even anyone to hand me a square from a neighboring stall. I reach for my handbag which is laying across my hunched over back because of course there isn’t a hook to hang a bag on …way too much to ask. I scrounge around in my bag and find a used limp tissue…really it is better than nothing. With the business part done I ease my rump up because my head is holding the door shut, I realize that this could be the next new game “Toilet Twister-Solo Version”. I fight off my now swinging handbag, grab my undies and overies pull them up, stradle backwards, open the door, shuffle forwards, turn around, raise my right foot and push the handle with my upraised foot to flush…I ain’t touching that thing with my hands. I am now put together and in need of a hand wash. I step up to the stink (yes I said stink) and push down the button that brings forth the water…for about a quarter of a second. It’s a game of cat and mouse. Can I push and release and move my hands under the spigot before the water goes away…nope! I don’t dare put down my handbag because the whole counter is drenched. I continue the one handed fight with the spigot utlizing all the various upper body parts that will hold the button down so I can wash one hand at a time all the while flipping my handbag towards my back. FINALLY I can dry my hands on my pants and walk out of this dump…no hand towels of course. I think it has been way too long since I’ve travelled where if you have a hole to use you’re lucky and if you have a small audience…again lucky. I think for easability we should just go back to how the Romans made a social event out of a good poo. My we’ve come a long way.

6 thoughts on “Is it just me?

  1. Was this at Walmart? I swear to goodness you described the toilets in Walmart to a tea. I always use the handicap terlit. I often wonder if I will be arrested by the bathroom police. I would hate to have that on my permanent record…..

  2. LOL Usually I do not have that concern. Holding one’s breath is usually the name of the game at the bad pit stops.

    But (because in my job I drive almost 200-300 miles a day when I am out and about) I occassionally have to use the facilities in a sitting position.

    Add the danglies to what you went through and you have just described my worst travel nightmare!!

  3. Toilet rating from Royce
    10a = all amenities, motion sensor dispensers, live attendant!!
    10 = all amenties present.
    9 = have to touch door to get in/out
    8 = no lock on door
    7 = no door
    6 = no stall
    5 = no amenities
    4 = handy bush
    3 = not so handy bush
    2 = no bush
    1 = long walk to next bush

  4. You know, to me public restrooms are one of the most obscene things there are. I’ve actually blogged about how I think that since we live in the richest country in the world our public restrooms should ALL be the size of SUVs and there should be more privacy.

    Oh, and I’m only 5’1″, so I get you- I totally wonder how taller folks handle these awkward restrooms.

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