Earlier this week I was in Southern California for a brief meeting. I had not been to SoCal for a while so I decide to rent a ‘wife’. You know the kind, the ones that navigate while the husband drives. That’s how it usually works when I drive with Sweet Husband. I’m going to tell you that I am so GLAD that I had plenty of time to get around. I was going to need every bit of it.
I arrive at my rental car to find that I had been upgraded to a huge SUV. I don’t drive a SUV in real life, but I was ok with the extra vehicular protection based on past SoCal driving experiences. I am of course referring to the other drivers. I don’t tailgate and I drive like a young little old lady from Pasadena. I drive defensively and my goal every day is to get home safe and alive. I’m not kidding when I say that, it is a conscious effort to come home alive, which is an oxymoron because if I didn’t come home, I most likely…well you get the gist.
A friend of mine has an electronic thingy that gives her directions and hers give direction in a female voice, so did mine. My friends unit is very accurate and get her anywhere she wants. She loves hers so much she has even given this trusty companion a name, Hillary. This is where the similarities end. Mine would not let me drive on the freeway, it was not helpful and every time I would take a different turn she would say ‘recalculating’ and make me get off the freeway. In the tool section of this fine unit I could select how I wanted to get somewhere, either the shortest route or the most direct with the least amount of surface routes. uh-huh! I choose the most direct route.
When I left my meeting I knew that I might have the possibility of taking an earlier flight if I got to the airport in time. There is a cool button on the directional thingy, that if pressed, will give you directions specifically to the rental car return. Sweet, so I press and we start heading for the barn. By way of Sunset Blvd, and Warner Brothers studios and downtown freakin Hollywood. Cripes I was on the tourist route and in spite of my best efforts to get on the freeway I swear to god that Kit took over and I was a prisoner of my vehicle. Yeah sure I could have turned it off and driven in blissful silence, but can’t read a map and drive, my poor elderly eyesight won’t let me. Me? I started talking back. I told her that she was a woman scorned and that she didn’t need to take it out on me. I figure she was someone that was very very angry at her husband and would purposely give the directions that she wanted to go instead of where they “needed” to go. She was in Southern California so by God she was going to see the sights. So I played along…”oooo look the Hollywood sign. We never would have seen that if we had gone a different way. Warner Brothers studios…you little vixen did you want to drive down here hoping to see some movie stars? Rodeo Drive, no thanks honey I draw the line there, it costs to even drive down that road.”
Eventually I could see actual aircraft taking off and landing, so I knew I was close to my destination. Before I could be possessed any further, I pointed out the window and shouted “LOOK is that Harrison Ford?” and as she took notice I quickly turned her position to off before we could head toward a tour of the movie stars homes. HA, I won!
I did get home safe and alive, but it wasn’t without the usual amount of humor. And yes I did give her a name. Hateful Bitch.